I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
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