My husband and I love our Sunday afternoons mainly because we nap together. It is the only day of the week when we have the time, and solitude, to relax and nap. It doesn’t happen every week, but now that we are older and life has slowed down, Sunday afternoon naps together are a glorious thing to look forward to. Our Sundays are the only day of the week with a predictable schedule. Because our Saturdays usually consist of multiple services, we rise Sunday morning with just enough time to shower and quickly head off to church. After church, we stop on our way home and buy freshly baked bread and a box of hot chicken tenders. When we arrive at our house, we change clothes, slap some condiments on our bread, and enjoy chicken tender sandwiches. Before we were in the funeral profession, we would enjoy a crockpot of slowly cooked seasoned chicken with vegetables over rice after church. Then we would jump into our huge California King bed with down comforters and turn “Little House on the Prairie” on the television. To top it off, my husband and I would drift off to sleep snuggled up with our sweet little girls curled up in our arms. Ah, those were the days of gentle children and glorious slumber. Yesterday, as we rushed home after church, we stopped to buy our chicken tenders at the local market. The clerk that works the deli came out to say hello. She is such a sweet woman, and seeing her bright smile each week sets a happy note in my heart until I see her again the following Sunday. I asked her how her Thanksgiving went, and she said it was good but that she had suffered some bad news. Over the holiday weekend, her mother was diagnosed with stage four cancer. Wow, what a blow. How do you even respond to such news? I can’t imagine the stress and anguish her family must have experienced during the time of year when we celebrate our blessings. Such inopportune timing heightens the impact of dreadful news. I spoke with her for a few moments and asked her to let me know if I could help in any way. I suggested a hospice with great nurses who treat their client families kindly and take great care of their patients. I offered to bring her some materials that address some of the future experiences and decisions that her family will face. More importantly, I offered my concern and love. When death happens, it isn’t what you did that matters so much to the survivor but that you cared. Offering support and love are the most vital and appreciated gifts you can give to those who are losing a loved one. Your support and love are just about the only thing they will remember. When human beings suffer overwhelming stress, their minds are clouded with extreme grief. This level of distress creates a wave of stress hormones that interfere with daily brain functionality. Most likely, the family members won’t even remember if they have taken their medicines or what they ate for breakfast. It is impossible for them to remember who brought a dish of food or did their laundry. What they will remember is that someone did some service to show their love, and for that, they will be grateful. Do not be offended if they cannot remember that you rendered the service. The important thing is that they know that someone cares and loves them enough to take care of the things they cannot take care of. They will feel love, and that is precisely what they need. When I was a little girl, my mother would say, “Remember, it is better to give than to receive.” In this case, you are giving love, and it is not essential that you receive appreciation or accolades for it. Your friend’s survival, physically and psychologically, is more important than your ego. As a child, I wasn’t always sure that my mother’s statement was accurate at Christmas time. Now that I am an adult, and in particular a funeral professional, I understand that those words hold great insight into the eternal purpose of the human race. For it is what we give that we receive. As a child, I may not have fully understood the immense value of giving service and love to others. Still, I was infinitely blessed to have great women who exemplified the words and admonitions of our Savior in my life. As we enter another beautiful Christmas Season, I pray that you will recall the words of my mother; “Remember, it is better to give than to receive.” At a time in the world’s history when so many are downtrodden, and without hope, please reach out to those you know and those you see who need the services of another human being. Offer them a word of comfort, cheer, or recognition that they exist and that as a child of God, all humans matter. Forgive trespasses against you and rejoice in Christ’s redemptive blessings. Rejoice, for rather than governments, the Lord is King. My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.  It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

It is interesting how a client can bless and change your life. As a funeral director, I spend (on average) a week with my clients. During that time, I help them plan and carry out the final services for their deceased loved ones. More importantly, I try to help them through the anguish that death can impose upon them by presenting a favorable opportunity for grief recovery. Although I see my clients several times during the year, either at other funerals or perhaps at the grocery store, there are particular times of the year when I worry and pray for them individually. GRIEF BRIEF 58 SPECIAL DAYS Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and especially the yearly loss anniversary, are extremely stressful for survivors of loss. The anticipation of these important dates may sometimes be worse than the day itself. If you have a close friend or relative, it may be a good idea to let them know that you might need extra understanding and support on these days. (Mourning Lights, 2022) Now that we have officially entered the "Holiday Season," my worries and prayers are growing in frequency and earnestness for my clients. Holidays can be difficult even under the best circumstances; however, when you are facing your first holiday season without your loved one, and even your second, third, and so on, the holidays may seem daunting. Survivors may face fear, loneliness, anger, sadness, stress, anxiety, and other psychological disturbances that are not generally associated with the season's joys. What do you suppose families and friends can do to support and assist those who mourn during the most wonderful time of the year? In speaking with my clients, I have compiled a list of some of their suggestions. SAY SOMETHING Although you may fear that saying something about their loss may bring them additional sadness, survivors already carry that burden. Acknowledgment from others helps survivors to know that their loved one is remembered and appreciated. Acknowledging their loved one's contributions to your life helps lift a bit of burden from their hearts. DON'T ASK – JUST DO Survivors express the discomfort they feel when people ask if there is something they can do to help. There is nothing you can do that will change the situation of loss; however, there is plenty you can do to express love and appreciation to the survivor. If you want to do something for the survivor, just do it. Show up with your snow plow and clear their driveway and sidewalks. Show up with your ladder and ask for the Christmas lights to hang across the front of the home. Email over a playlist of their decedent's favorite Christmas music. Or, if something comes to mind, realize you have been inspired and do it. LISTEN If the survivor begins telling you a story or recounts an experience about their loved one, simply sit there and listen. Their story does not require your opinion or stories about your life. Allow them to tell their story at their own pace and in their own words. An occasional "ah" or "oh" is an ample expression to show that you are listening. MAKE EXTRA – DROP AT DOOR If you are making a special dish or just a simple dinner, make a little extra and drop it at their door. A visit is not required and sometimes more than a survivor can bear. A plate of food says more than you can express through words. It shows that you are thinking of them, love them, and want to comfort them. That is enough. CREATE A MEMORY TRADITION This suggestion is more for those included within the survivor's intimate circle of family and friends; however, extended family, friends, co-workers, and associates can also contribute. Creating new traditions can be difficult, but the contributions of others are well appreciated. A memory tradition could be a Christmas tree dedicated to the decedent. If you have a photo or particular story, you could have a personalized ornament made and give it as a gift to the survivor. Often, others will have photos that the survivor does not have or may not know exists. A photo or story ornament is a beautiful gift for a new memory tree tradition. Some survivors live in smaller accommodations after loss. In this situation, they may have a memory garland rather than a tree. A memory garland can be draped across a fireplace mantle or hung with a stream of lights over an entryway. A memory wreath is also a thoughtful memory gift. Another memory tradition is a memory stocking. A memory stocking can be filled with photos, stories, special candies, and tokens representing special places and events. A memory tablecloth can be another unique holiday tradition. It can have memorable photos of the loved one printed on various blocks, and guests at Christmas dinner can write personal messages or memories on it. As the years pass, these messages will represent the path of grief recovery. Memory gifts are ongoing and can change each year as new photos and stories are discovered. BLESSING If your family typically offers a special blessing at this time of year, include a blessing for the well-being and recovery of the survivors and their home. As we enter this special time of year, I pray that the bereft will feel the love and protection of the Savior's promise to shepherd all those who seek Him. I hope that you will hear Him in the coming years of your life and that you will let God prevail during the trials and fears that come your way. I ask for a special blessing of recovery and pray that you will remember the life shared with those you love with fondness. This morning a client came by my office. His brother passed earlier this year in connection with a lifelong disability. Witnessing the love and care my client rendered out of brotherly love has touched my heart. He shares that same love with those he meets because that is the caliber of his soul. It is interesting how a client can enrich your life with friendship and service. My client has taken the words of his Savior, “Love one another,” and applied them to every facet of his life. He has given me an example to aspire to. My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.  It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

I was at an event last week when a friend of mine asked me if I thought she had done something to offend another of our friends. The friend asking is such a kind woman that I instantly knew the answer had to be a definitive no. After our conversation, I wondered if I had done something to offend our friend. I hadn’t even considered that I might be the cause of our friend’s disappearance from our group, so I immediately tried to contact her. Unfortunately, she did not return my calls. I followed my efforts up with a drive to her office. Her door was locked, and her secretary came out to tell me that she was not available. Oh wow, I felt terrible. At this point, I was reasonably confident that I had indeed hurt my friend’s feelings. I tried to remember the last time I had been with her and what I had said and done. I couldn’t think of a thing, but that’s not unusual for me. I live a highly stressful lifestyle, so social details often slip past me. I have few friends. With my lifestyle, I wonder that I have friends at all. I wonder how they tolerate me, how they confide in me, and how they continue, year after year, to overlook my friendship skills deficiency. Those friends that I do have, I love, and I feel terrible when I forget important dates or events. Fortunately, my friends forgive me. They overlook my discrepancies because they know me and my stress level. They love me and accept me as I am. Those, my dear readers, are the marks of great friends. I have often vowed to invest myself in developing better friendship skills. Still, somehow my life’s priorities infringe on that goal. My work overrides most social activities, and I can’t wait to call or visit my children or grandchildren when I have a spare moment. Birthdays and anniversaries almost always slip past me; nevertheless, I love my friends and am grateful for their tolerance and kindness. At long last, I was able to contact my missing friend. Our conversation made me feel terrible about myself. She assured me that I had done nothing to offend her but that she was suffering from the recent loss of her nephew’s life. I was her family’s funeral director; I should have known this. However, she is so high functioning that I wasn’t worried about her. She is an elected executive officeholder, organizes and provides services for others, owns her own business, and sees to the safety and comfort of her constituents. She is so capable that to see her falter (especially under such excruciating pain) breaks my heart. It also calls me out as a friendship failure. Upon the death of her loved one, I asked her how she was doing. She assured me that she was okay. Therefore, I focused my worry on her brother, the father of her nephew. Sadly, he suffered extreme health concerns within a week of losing his son. I saw it coming when he was at my funeral home making arrangements. I should have, however, kept my eyes on his sister (my dear friend) too. Moreover, my friend is a singing evangelist. Her voice is that of an angel. With those credentials, I figured she was good to go. That was my mistake. That was stupid of me. I saw my friend today. We were at the wedding of another friend. Her angelic tones accompanied the beautiful bride as she entered the holy bonds of matrimony with her groom. After the vows were witnessed and recorded, I lingered to find my friend for a chat. I wanted her to know how deeply I have missed her and how honored I am to have her in my life. Her life has been heavily laden with grief, yet she has nurtured herself back to a place where she can bear those painful darts with grace and thanksgiving. She is a healer and has sought healing from a higher power. In her wisdom, she has found her strength through grace. I love her, and I am so thankful for her. As we enter this holiday season, please be mindful and reach out to those suffering grief. They need you this time of year. I hope I can be a better friend, and with the assistance of my wonderful friends, I think I might make it there. My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.  It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

You think the world will end when you are young, and you break up with your girlfriend or boyfriend. You cry and tell all of your friends about the terrible break-up and how your sweetheart did you wrong. You are sad, think you are depressed, and perhaps you are right. However, you’ll recover after a while, and the subsequent handsome or beautiful love interest takes it all away. Would that all of life’s tragedies were so simply put right. Later, when life has been long, sweethearts have become spouses, and love has grown into a family, losing your spouse is not an easy recovery. You are now mature enough to understand that although the world will not end, death is the end of the world as you have known it. Sadness does not even begin to express the depth of your emotional swells. Depression knocks at every corner and threatens to take your will to live away. Sadness, which used to be such a powerful word, now fades as an inept expression of your painful reality. This may or may not be your current situation. Still, in most cases, losing a spouse may change your social standing, income, living space, identity, independence, companionship, emotional health, physical health, and many other things you rely on and love. Fear is a significant factor, especially for the elderly. Essentially, life has changed, and you must adjust to it. Adjusting is the only pathway to survival. After the immediate physical necessities are arranged, it will be time for you to consider your emotional needs. Immediate physical necessities are laying your loved one to rest, solidifying appropriate and safe lodging, securing sufficient income, etc. Emotional needs must now become the focus. You must address your emotional and psychological recovery. GRIEF BRIEF 27 LONELINESS Loneliness is frequently expressed by the bereaved, especially by those who have lost their spouses. Social loneliness may be curbed through social support. Emotional loneliness, however, is brought on by a broken attachment. With such, a new attachment is the only remedy. Certain survivors are unwilling to form new attachments and thereby endure severe loneliness indefinitely. This behavior is more common among the elderly. (Mourning Lights, 2022) Emotional loneliness may be curbed by finding new friends. New friends can be found in many ways. Interests, hobbies, social events, travel, and church are excellent avenues for discovering new friends. Focusing your attention on your children and grandchildren also helps you fill the emotional void of loneliness. GRIEF BRIEF 39 HOBBIES Hobbies occupy the mind and hands. They engage our brains and keep them in good health. Hobbies create a sense of accomplishment. They propel us toward a healthier and happier grief recovery. (Mourning Lights, 2022) Hobbies also bolster confidence and self-worth. They are a big hitter. While enjoying yourself and making new friends, you might create beautiful items to give away as gifts or expand your health and happiness through sports and exercise. Another outstanding curative possibility is the amazing power and friendship of animal companionship. GRIEF BRIEF 43 ANIMAL COMPANIONSHIP Animal companionship typically results in fewer migraines and less persistent fears. Fewer phobias, lower levels of panic, and less drug and alcohol intake are very positive side effects associated with our furry friends. The love and acceptance of a pet help us combat depression and isolation. If you have a family pet, be mindful of their needs. Taking Fido out for a brisk walk will provide both of you healthier opportunities for exercise, socialization, and companionship. (Mourning Lights, 2022) PLEASE CONSIDER: If you are considering taking on a pet, please evaluate the responsibilities that come along with it. An animal depends on you for survival. You must be physically able to care for and provide for the animal. You may need to plan for the animal if anything happens to you. The takeaway is that we must actively seek a remedy to grief when a loss occurs. Grief can be debilitating up to the inclusion of death itself. No one wants to see you suffer, and sometimes their suggestions may seem out in left field. Rather than be offended, realize that friends and family are trying to help ease your pain through concern and love for you. Additionally, others may not be able to bare seeing you suffer so profoundly and may avoid you. In such cases, they aim to prevent offending or adding to your pain by saying something stupid. In both cases, you are the only person who can control your reaction, and you are the only person who can decide whether you will recover. Recovery requires a conscious decision and a conscious effort. GREIF BRIEF 208 Deliberate Recovery – 1st KEY TO RECOVERY The first key is recovery is to DECIDE TO RECOVER. (Mourning Lights, 2022) Without this crucial decision, you are just spinning your wheels in misery. Moreover, you will continue there, in desperation, until you commit yourself to yourself. My hope, and my life’s work, is to help you find the will and the strength to make this commitment. My goal is to assist you in obtaining recovery and finding joy and peace. As we enter this holiday season, please reach out to those in your community of supporters for peace and understanding. My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.  It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

The death of a young parent is challenging for the surviving parent. Not only must they deal with their grief and recovery, but young children must also be tenderly nurtured through their grief experience. At the loss of a parent, young children may not understand what has happened, and they may be unable to understand the long-term ramifications forced upon them. There may also be insensitive adults or children at school who intentionally say unkind things. (I hope if you have children with a schoolmate suffering loss, you will sit down with them, explain what has happened, and offer ways that they might support the surviving child.) Moreover, schoolmates may fear that association with the survivor may cause the tragedy of death to spill over onto them or their families. Superstitions surrounding death may also become a factor at school, and the survivor may be ostracized for no reason. Such consequences would only add to the tragedy suffered by the surviving child. If you are the surviving parent, ask the school to invite a grief counselor to offer information and suggestions to the student body. Grief counselors can provide guidelines for assisting with another’s grief, pressing fears that may exist, and appropriate versus inappropriate behavior and conduct during a loss. Pre-empting the fears and confusions of schoolmates not only helps the survivor but offers comfort and psychological control to the schoolmate that they might be suffering. Assisting a grieving survivor is difficult enough for adults; imagine how out-of-water children feel. GRIEF BRIEF 98 LOSS OF A PARENT The loss of a parent at any age is debilitating to their child’s core strength. The loss of parental security is devastating at two years old or at 32 years old. A parental loss may result in the loss of your greatest champion, your provider, your friend, your confidant, your favorite person ever, your emotional strength, and your protector. These losses are overwhelming for children and adults alike. The loss of a parent may present an opportunity for self-evaluation, self-improvement, and inner growth. Sometimes it is helpful to rely on a trusted and valued friend to help you recover from such a devastating loss. (Mourning Lights, 2022) Teachers should also have a grief counselor available to them. A teacher will play a vital role in protecting and assisting the child during recovery away from the protective and nurturing eye of the surviving parent. They will watch for sadness, lack of concentration, emotional breakdown, delinquent behaviors, and other vulnerabilities. Most likely, the teacher will lighten the workload for the survivor and anticipate a lull in the survivor’s usual level of performance. Teachers also understand that recovery may extend to temperament, organization, and concentration. All these areas will affect the student’s ability to keep up with their participation and grades. Grief Brief 279 Loss of Parent Children suffering parental bereavement tend to be more submissive and dependent, show a higher frequency of delinquent behavior, and perform less adequately in school. Open communication about death before a crisis situation develops, is the primary way to help them cope with their bereavement. (Mourning Lights, 2022) Loss can be disastrous for a child’s self-esteem, confidence, self-worth, and will to live. Teachers will focus on these possibilities to protect the well-being of the surviving child. Please consider ongoing dialog with your child’s teachers and faculty. If at any time you are concerned with your child’s safety at school, notify the administrator. Schools have access to programs designed to protect your child against other children or themselves during instability. The loss of a parent is undoubtedly a time of emotional, psychological, and environmental instability. Your child deserves all the assistance available to them. GRIEF BRIEF 99 Rejection A child who suffers the loss of their parent may suffer feelings of abandonment. In some instances, true abandonment is experienced. These feelings and realities are horrendous to suffer. If you know a child who has lost a parent and you are able to step forward, realize that you will never replace that parent in the child’s mind. Agree with yourself that the help and assistance you render is reward enough. The child may even express resentment toward the kind soul rendering their emotional assistance and physical support. These are natural emotions and you should not accept them as a reflection upon your efforts. Realize that the child’s emotions are a rejection of their parent’s death, rather than of you and your efforts. In my opinion, every young child suffering the loss of one or both parents should have supervised professional counseling. Parental loss is devastating, spiritually damaging, and should be taken seriously. (Mourning Lights, 2022) The bottom line is that children need extra consideration when a parent dies. Due to their tender age, that consideration may be a lifelong need, especially if the loss is tragic or foul play was involved. Please take the time to recognize and educate yourself to the needs of children suffering loss. There is no excuse for a child’s community to abandon or not realize his/her particular needs during such a sorrowful time. My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.  It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Today was a great day. My sister was adopted by our father. I have waited for this day for decades. Last week, it seemed as though it would not happen. My father is ill in another state and unable to travel back to Texas. We notified the court as soon as we knew that our father would not be able to return for the court date. We asked the court if a limited power of attorney would suffice in our father's stead. The court would not answer the question. Instead, they told us to hire an attorney. An attorney did not seem necessary as the adoption was not contested. I spoke with my sister and said the court did not say that a power of attorney would not work; however, they would not say it would either. In light of their refusal to commit to a definitive answer, we thought that a power of attorney would work. And, indeed, it did. My baby sister, the adorable little girl I grew up with, is now my sister legally. My baby sister's birth mother passed away when she was a toddler. As her birth mother had been ill since my little sister's birth, my little sister has always lived with us. Her birth father and my father are brothers. My father was older than her father, and at the time of her mother's death, my father was married with a family in tow. It was natural that my father cared for his younger brother's daughter. Today, our family has been made whole. I wish our mother were still living so she could have witnessed the joy this day has brought us. GRIEF BRIEF 98 LOSS OF A PARENT The loss of a parent at any age is debilitating to their child's core strength. The loss of parental security is devastating at two years old or at 32 years old. A parental loss may result in the loss of your greatest champion, your provider, your friend, your confidant, your favorite person ever, your emotional strength, and your protector. These losses are overwhelming for children and adults alike. The loss of a parent may present an opportunity for self-evaluation, self-improvement, and inner growth. Sometimes it is helpful to rely on a trusted and valued friend to help you recover from such a devastating loss. (Mourning Lights, 2022) After we left court this morning, I rode with my sister in her van up to Texarkana for breakfast. On the way there, she told me that this had been a challenging month for her. I asked her how, and she told me that her cat, her favorite cat ever, had died at the beginning of the month. Not only that, but the cat died while resting in my baby sister's lap. Because the cat was having difficulties breathing, my sister put her finger in the cat's throat to sweep for any debris that may have been blocking her airway. When she did, the cat closed her mouth as death overtook her. As she closed her mouth, her canine punctured my sister's finger. As the day came to an emotional close, my sister noticed that her punctured finger had begun to swell. Before too long, her finger was hurting and not looking so well. She went to the emergency room, and sure enough, she had Cat Scratch Fever. My sister was immediately rushed into a room where powerful antibiotics and treatments were administered. There she stayed for two days. She was released on the third day with additional antibiotics, and her finger is doing much better. Emotionally, my sister is suffering extreme grief and does not understand why she cannot recover from the loss of her kitty. Because today was such a wonderful day for our family, I did not discuss her grief with her; however, I feel she suffers from complicated grief and probably needs extra support. GRIEF BRIEF 97 Pet death As with family and friends, the death of a pet may be equally painful. The grief experience with human loss is predicated upon the depth of association. The same holds true for our animal companions. Animal companions may have taken the place of past loved ones. They may even be the central emotional contact within our lives. They may be our best friends, our confidants, or our only contact with another living soul for weeks on end. If your animal companion is an integral part of your existence, expect to grieve their loss as you would any other dear friend or loved one. You will most likely experience every phase of the grief cycle during recovery. You may opt to bury your pet without ceremony. You may choose to bury your pet with memorial or funeral services. You may even choose to cremate your pet and have their cremains buried with you at your time of passing. Whatever your final choices are for your pet's interment, realize that the passing of your animal companion may be just as debilitating as the loss of your human companions. (Mourning Lights, 2022) When our mother could no longer reside in an assisted living facility in Texarkana, TX, my sister took her and our aunt home to Austin, TX. She took care of our mother and our aunt until January of this year, when they both died within a few weeks of each other. In the latter stage of life, our mother suffered from dementia and, for safety reasons, was transferred to a nursing home. Although our mother was not in my sister's home at the time of her death, my sister continued to take care of her as much as possible until the day she died. My sister transported our aunt to north Texas for our mother's services the week of our mother's funeral. However, my aunt was too weak and did not survive the trip. As they arrived in town, they stopped by the emergency room, and the doctors thought it much more prudent to admit our aunt into their care. We buried our mother and our aunt within a week of each other. It was a difficult time for all of us, but I thought it was particularly difficult for my sister. She had cared for our mother during the early stages of dementia, and there were times when our mother may not have been as kind as she would have been otherwise. These moments affected my sister, and I felt so badly about them. To add our aunt's death to all that was happening at that time was even more sorrow that my sister suffered. The deaths of two women who played vital roles in your life and who both lived in your home during the final stages of life invite complicated grief. My sister, my other siblings, and their spouses all had COVID when our mother died, so her funeral services were delayed for three weeks. Life was a mess for everyone in our family in January of 2022. Now, as 2022 winds down into 2023, my sister has suffered the loss of her beloved kitty. Having the kitty breathe its last breath in her lap brings everything to the surface. Although she tried to ignore it, my sister had moments of sorrowful memories mixed in with her adoption. It was sad that neither of our parents was there today, but at least all of our siblings were. For me, today was bittersweet. I missed our mother so much while we were at the courthouse. I know she would have loved to have been there and that had she had her wits about her before she died, she would have adopted my sister before her death. Our mother was a Cajun woman from South Louisiana who loved her children fiercely. I have seen her on more than a few occasions go to fists over the protection of her children, not the least of which would be my youngest sister. She loved us all and never thought of my baby sister as anyone other than her child. I hope our father recovers soon and returns to Texas in good health. My sister wants to celebrate this joyous and long-awaited occasion with him. Grief is a wild and crazy beast. My sister has suffered incredible anguish in her life. Although the adoption is a joyous one, it has brought back painful and confusing memories for her. Stacking these painful memories with the loss of our mother and aunt earlier this year and now losing her beloved kitty has been a U-haul truck full of stress and agony for my sister. The death of her kitty was just the final straw in her grief struggles. Grief Brief 269 Multiple Losses If suffering multiple losses, a survivor must grieve each one separately. Each decedent was loved separately; therefore, each must be grieved accordingly. (Mourning Lights, 2022) I hope my sister's life slows down enough so she can grieve each of her losses in 2022. She is a caring and loving person. She tries to make the world a better place and render love and service to those suffering around her. It is time for others to take care of her for a while. She needs time to heal. My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the "Mikey Joe Children's Memorial" and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB's Integrity Award.  It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

In the evenings, after the sun has rested behind the horizon, my husband and I retire to our room to watch TV together as we quiet down for the night. We have a reclining loveseat, so we sit side by side, usually holding hands, as the evening slips into nighttime. As we sit together, each of our daughters and grandchildren will usually call to say goodnight. Gratefully my days pass with loving words of endearment. This routine gives me comfort. I rely on knowing that my children and grandchildren are safe, happy, and tucked away for a warm night of peaceful slumber. During the call, I usually hear the stories of their day's experiences, but the calls always end with expressions of love and appreciation. This is a peaceful way to end one's day, and I would not trade it for all the money in the world. Last night as my husband and I sat on our reclining loveseat; we watched a program that has several episodes and multiple seasons within its series. We began watching season eight rather than season one. The series is about survival out in the wilderness without any other human companionship. The participants are allowed to choose a limited selection of tools they deem paramount to their successful completion of the series. Some bring axes, while others bring saws. Some choose cord, while others bring wire. It is a matter of preference and prediction that each contestant chooses their tools for a challenging survival experience. I think it is insane because my priorities lie in comfort and convenience. As I watch the contestants' struggles on this program, I always ask my husband, "Who would choose to do such an uncomfortable and insane thing?" I ask this because I cannot believe that these contestants willingly give up the comforts of home and the companionship of their family for this primeval experience. Even the dangle of wealth does not tempt me to want to consider such an insane endeavor. Last night as we sat watching this program, two of the participants seemed to have their system for survival worked out very well. I was convinced one of them would be the last to tap out. Wow, was I wrong! Last night, one of the two participants (the one I favored) chose to tap his buzzer and go home. This man was strong physically and had put into play a survival system where he had plenty of sustainable food, reliable and sturdy shelter, warmth, physical strength, emotional stability, and bravery. He had everything needed to survive except for one thing. He did not have the most precious thing known to man with him. Of course, every contestant on the program battles solitude, the loneliness of being isolated without human companionship or distraction. The quiet moments where one's demons slip out to haunt them. This particular contestant, who has every indication of being the winner, suddenly tapped out of the competition. Before he called the producers to give his notice, he sat in front of his camera and explained his reason. This man, who I thought would win the competition, revealed that he had lost his little girl to illness. While away from his family, he discovered that the possible winnings from the competition were not as valuable as his time and relationship with his wife and surviving minor son. I admit I was disappointed that he dropped out of the competition because, in my heart, I knew he had the potential to win. Additionally, he had expressed that the winnings would relieve his monetary burdens allowing him more time with his family. In his farewell interview, he expressed his need to be with his family and his belief that nothing is more important. As the program ended, I had a few tears streaming down my cheeks. This poor man was grieving in the woods, isolated under horrid conditions. How anyone ever thought that was a good idea is beyond me. Support is vital when suffering grief. I learned that when I lost my grandson. Isolation, being alone, especially in a threatening, overly stressful, or dangerous environment, is not the answer. Grief has a way of isolating us from our regular routines and social events. Adding time alone in the woods and battling for survival is probably not all that healthy. I wish I had a million dollars to give this grieving father so that he could spend all of his time with his family. Even though he left the program without winning the cash prize, I think he is the big winner. He knows beyond a shadow of a doubt what is essential in life. It's his family, his wife, and his surviving minor son. With that knowledge, he will always do what is right, and one day he will be able to tuck his pain into a place where he can live with it. That time never comes quickly enough for a survivor, but it comes. I pray that he can hold until that day happens for him. Please join me in praying for him and his family. Pray for their comfort, their joy, and their healing. If we all pray together, perhaps the heavens will send down angels to tend them through their grief, and they will feel the loving embrace of Christ's peace. That is my prayer for them. My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the "Mikey Joe Children's Memorial" and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB's Integrity Award.  It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

I just got back to my office. I directed an early morning service for some friends of mine. Dr. Stanmore was the presiding pastor for the services. The decedent was his nephew. Our funeral home was bursting at the seams with friendly faces offering their condolences to the decedent’s next of kin. With roaring laughter and tears of sorrow, a joyful noise filled our building. As time moved along, the visitation ended, and the funeral service began. Prayers, scriptures, stories shared, and music lead up to the words of comfort offered by Dr. Stanmore. He began his time with tender guidance and moved to his message. His message meant something to those in attendance. It meant something to me too. His words were an admonition to do better, to emulate the legacy of the decedent. His deceased nephew was the life of every event. I remember him. He was friendly, and fun, and he genuinely cared that your life was the best it could be. At the close of his message, Dr. Stanmore encouraged all who were there to walk away from today’s popular attitude of “It’s all about me and none about you.” He taught the words of Christ to forgive and forget and to love your neighbor. Everyone is someone and should be treated with courtesy, kindness, and respect. When did it become okay just to say, “Done with you” and walk away? The world is not a better place because it’s okay to be rude to others. Indeed, I see more depression and anxiety among the populace since people have broken loose of social courtesies. As a grief counselor, I see complicated grief overtaking many people who would have otherwise been able to recover had they had a real social network rather than engaging in virtual insensitivities. I also see young adults walking away without engagement or emotion connected to human loss. It is as though people are walking around disconnected from reality. The danger in this is that there is reality, and one day it will kick them in their teeth. These young adults think the universe is all about them and none about anyone else. They are actually emotionally isolated. Emotional isolation proliferates insecurities into phobias and self-centeredness into delusional mental illness. Social isolation removes support in those moments when one needs quiet encouragement to move and grow forward. I think it is important to remember that everyone is someone and should be treated with dignity. I think that everyone should be loved by their family and friends and that good deeds are worth more than money. I believe that respect for others and for self is essential for good mental health, and I believe that everyone should have a friend. Be someone’s friend, it will change the world. My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.  It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.

Several years ago, a woman called my funeral home and asked me to visit her at a local nursing home. She was seeking funeral pricing information. During our visit, she asked me for reading materials. A few days later, I returned with two books (that I had authored) for her reading pleasure. Bright and early the very next morning, my phone rang. This same woman was on the line insisting that I return to the nursing home at once. I did as she bade. Upon my arrival, she chastised me for writing something kind about someone she had grown up with. She informed me that I obviously did not know the man well and continued to relay his sordid history to me. With gentleness, trying not to offend her further, I replied that through Christ’s mercy, even the worst among us are eligible for the gift of redemption. I suggested that perhaps during the latter years of his life, this man, who had been unkind and unlikable as a younger man, may have changed. Perhaps his wife had forgiven him for his indiscretions and cruelties. Maybe his children had as well. At any rate, I expressed my unwillingness to harshly judge any of my clients, explaining that perhaps I turn a blind eye to history because my goal is to serve without judgment when life ends. When I left the nursing home, I asked her if she would like for me to reclaim the books that had so adversely offended her. She declined my offer and opted to keep them. I felt reasonably sure this woman did not care for me at all, for her countenance suggested it, and her words expressed it without perplexity. A few weeks ago, a man came to my funeral home. He informed me that he was here because his mother was near death. When I asked her name, I remembered my prior visits with her. During our conversation, I stated that I knew his mother and that she was a strong and assertive woman. He smiled at me, and with a wink of his eye, he said, “Well, she loathes the other guys in town, so you have her favor.” At her service, I found my mind reviewing my conversations with her. I wondered if she had ever accepted my refusal to judge my client’s histories harshly. Over the years, I have thought of her often. I have found respect for her honesty and willingness to set things that she thought were wrong to rights. I have come to know many people in her family. In fact, some of her people are also some of my people. I have seen her strength and influence sustain them through difficult times of loss and disappointment. In particular, her strength and tenacity shored them up the day we laid her to rest. My name is Tracy Renee Lee. I am a Certified Grief Counselor (GC-C), Funeral Director (FDIC), published author, syndicated columnist, Podcaster, and founder of the “Mikey Joe Children’s Memorial” and Heaven Sent, Corp. I write books, weekly bereavement articles, Podcasts, and Grief BRIEFs related to understanding and coping with grief. I am the American Funeral Director of the Year Runner-Up and recipient of the BBB’s Integrity Award.  It is my life's work to comfort the bereaved and help them live on.