Listen, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it’s been 25 years since Hugh Grant stole our hearts as a lovable, awkward posh boy in Four Weddings And A Funeral. This, I’m afraid, means two things. The first is that you’ve probably just realised that, wow, time really flies when Richard Curtis is distracting the nation with fuzzy romcoms. Yes, you might now feel a little bit old, but don’t worry, the next part will cheer you up. The film’s silver anniversary also tells us that it’s time for a reboot. Hurray!
You’re cheering with glee, right? No? That’s awkward, because it’s kind of already happened. In fact, the Four Weddings And A Funeral television adaptation by Mindy Kaling arrives on Starzplay in the UK today and it aired in the US months ago. It's not a complete remake of the old film, however this version follows four American friends living in London and the protagonist of the action is a woman, Maya, who finds herself in a tricky spot when she realises she fancies her best friend's fiancé. A classic conundrum.
It's the same, but different and, as such, it's become clear that the only way to truly, critically compare the 1994 film and the 2019 TV show is to have a good old fashioned swear off. The OG Four Weddings And A Funeral is renowned for its posh boy's potty mouth – audience members even walked out of a screening in Salt Lake City thanks to the opening scene's frequency of fucks – and yet it still managed to get two Oscar nominations, four Baftas and a Golden Globe award. Remember, this was in 1994, so that's impressive stuff. Does the new version match the profanity precedent set by Hugh Grant and co? There was only one way to find out. After several hours of very serious research, accompanied by a very serious glass of wine, here I present to you my scientific findings on which version of Four Weddings And A Funeral is better at swearing.
Note: For the purposes of this research, I have decided to acknowledge naughty words that sit across the severity spectrum, even though, to me, "bonking" and "git" have never seemed like actual swear words. Richard Curtis likes to use them a lot, though, so they must be included in this analysis.
Frequency
Film (1994): As the audience members at that Salt Lake City screening know, the original Four Weddings And A Funeral gets off to a flying start with using profanity. In fact, the first five words of real dialogue are "fuck", which is soon followed by a "fuckity fuck" and "bugger". This, of course, all occurs as Charles (Hugh Grant) and Scarlett (Charlotte Coleman) rush to their first wedding of the film, which they are very late for, and the swearing is brilliantly effective in conveying that frantic sense of dread that falls over you when you wake up far later than planned. After this scene, the pace of swearing slows a little, but we are treated to Charles' and Scarlett's frazzled expletives regularly as they arrive late to the other events in the film. We also hear swear words scattered throughout most of the other scenes, but they're used more sparingly and in a way that feels very natural, so much so that you don't even notice it. After years of watching Love Actually annually in December, I suppose hearing Hugh Grant say "bugger" every now and then might not have the same impact as it did 25 years ago.
TV show (2019): The Americanised TV show version of Four Weddings really does try to keep up, bless it, and within the first five minutes we get 15 "fucks" in a similar opening scene in which it becomes apparent that Maya (Nathalie Emmanuel) had pretty wild time last night and is now running late for work. I have to say, I was impressed. The words weren't delivered with the same frustrated gusto that Grant and Coleman gave them in 1994, but they were in the script and that's something. Unfortunately, the swearing pretty much stops there. There's another 25 minutes before you hear the next "fuck" and, quite frankly, they dragged. After that, there's one or two more "shits", but overall the swear-ometer reading for this remake pales in comparison to the original. I refuse to believe that Maya's friend, Craig (Brandon Mychal Smith), would not have whispered a "WTF" when he finds out he has a long lost daughter. A "WTF" would have also been appropriate when Maya tells her best friend's fiancé that her favourite film ever is Mamma Mia! Or what about when she finds out that her best friend's fiancé is actually that cute guy she was chatting up at the airport? Surely then would have been an appropriate time to slip in a "for fuck's sake" or an "ah, shit"? The most disappointing thing about the lack of swearing in this version is that there are so many missed opportunities. Luckily, the ludicrous plot and impromptu musical number with Emeli Sandé at the end of the first episode (yes, really) meant that I was able to fill in the "WTF" ad-libs myself with ease.
Creativity
Film (1994): From "fuckity fuck" to "fuck-a-doodle-do", Richard Curtis sure does like to remix his favourite swear words into jazzy little phrases. Now, these are great and all, but I was most impressed by the naughty words we got in sign language. Four Weddings And A Funeral has been widely praised for its inclusion of Charles' brother David, who is deaf and treated much the same as the rest of the cast. This naturally means that he must swear too and when he first meets the object of Charles' affection, Carrie (Andie MacDowell), he lovingly calls his brother a "git" in sign language. Later on in the conversation we also get a signed "total penis" from Charles, which is matched by "total penises" from David. Yes, penis isn't technically a profanity, but this exchange deserves an honourary mention for its inclusive approach to throwing insults.
TV show (2019): Dead. Completely dead. The most elaborate swear sequence we get in the first episode is "for fuck's sake" and I don't think I'm alone in thinking that it's a pitiful effort when compared to "fuck-a-doodle-do". Once again, the most irritating thing about the distinct lack of creativity that went into the writing of these F-bombs is that there was so much opportunity to get a little bit imaginative with the expletives. If you're going to have a musical number, why not throw a few "fucks" into it? I suppose that might be because they didn't have any to give. Anyone who thought it wouldn't be weird to include Emeli Sandé singing down the aisle at the first wedding of the series clearly stopped caring about how the show might be received by fans of the original film a long time ago.
Inappropriateness
Film (1994): The conversation that Scarlett has with a young bridesmaid at the second wedding of the film, in which she laments that all the men she likes just "bonk me and leave" while she "can't even be bothered to bonk" the men who like her, takes the biscuit as the most inappropriate use of expletives in Four Weddings. The bridesmaid, who can't be any older than seven, listens intently and then asks the inevitable, "What's bonking?" Scarlett's response? "Well, it's kinda like table tennis, only with slightly smaller balls." Genius.
TV show (2019): The updated Four Weddings also relies on children to get a laugh out of its use of profanity. We first see it happen in front of a classroom of private school children, who all look a little bit like Prince George, when their teacher blurts out a loud "Fuck!" Later, we see it actually aimed at a child, as that fanciable-but-off-limits fiancé refers to a kid as a "little shit" just before his wedding. Yawn. Heard it all before. Who hasn't called an irritating child a "little shit" at some point or other?
Efficacy
Film (1994): Every swear word uttered in Four Weddings And A Funeral feels authentic, even when they're part of the gag. Charles' deflated "fuck-a-doodle-do" as he watches the love of his life marry someone else manages to seem like precisely the thing his character would say in that moment, despite the obvious absurdity of phrase. When Matthew pays tribute to his partner, Gareth, at his funeral by calling him, "The most splendid, replete, big-hearted, weak-hearted as it turned out, and jolly bugger most of us ever met," it comes across as an authentic representation of how us self-deprecating Brits might choose to remember our loved ones. Thanks to Curtis' writing and the cast's brilliant acting, every expletive is expertly timed and convincing – even when no one moves their mouth to say them.
TV show (2019): There's no point in swearing for the sake of swearing, but I'm afraid that is exactly what the TV adaptation of Four Weddings does. Every "fuck", "shit" or "bitch" that comes out of the cast's mouths feels flat, desperate to be inflated to the delivery style of the original film, and yet still empty. While each "fuck" that Grant and Coleman spat out in the OG opening scene was utterly convincing, the modern counterpart feels as though it's walking through the motions. Maya's swearing because those are her lines, not because she is truly in a desperate rush and thus the words lose their impact.
Four Weddings And A Funeral is now available to stream on Starzplay.
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