Are you being catfished?
If you’re at all suspicious that someone you’re talking to online is not, in fact, who they say they are, you could be a victim of catfishing. While pop culture sometimes tries to persuade us that getting catfished is grounds for rom-com material, the reality is that there’s nothing romantic about it. Catfish dating online is a very real thing and it’s important to know the catfished meaning and to be able to identify warning signs so you can protect yourself against these online imposters at best and predators at worst. Read on to learn how to tell if someone is a catfish.
In this article, you’ll find:
What is Catfishing?
The catfished meaning is the act of creating a false identity in order to lure people into relationships, whether friendships or romantic connections, online. The “catfish” refers to the predator who creates the false identity. While people who catfish may not be alone in creating fake personas for the internet, the thing that tends to separate catfishers apart from trolls, scammers and other online imposters is their emphasis on starting a relationship with someone and carrying it out over time. (In other words, no, that one time you texted your crush from a friend’s phone doesn’t mean you’ve catfished someone.)
Catfishing is abusive and deceptive. This practice was widely brought to light in Nev Schulman’s 2010 documentary Catfish and subsequent MTV reality show spin-off Catfish: The TV Show. Unfortunately, it also shows no signs of slowing down; at the risk of sounding like a boomer, dating apps and social media today offer all the more opportunities for catfishers to make contact. Seeing an uptick in what they call “confidence fraud” during the pandemic, the FBI has even shared official warnings about the potential for meeting a catfish or other romance scammer online, saying they’d received 22% more romance scam complaints between 2019 and 2020 alone.
As easy as it may be to write off the idea you could ever get catfished, it’s important to recognize that, truly, it could happen to anyone. (Just ask Noah Centineo.)
Why Is It Called Catfishing?
The term traces back to Nev Schulman’s 2010 documentary and an anecdote shared in it by a man, Vince Pierce, who’s married to a catfish. Pierce says that, when shipping live cod between the U.S. and China, seafood suppliers discovered the cod would arrive in healthier, better condition if a live catfish — a natural enemy of cod — was included in the tank.
“There are those people who are catfish in life and they keep you on your toes,” Pierce tells Schulman. “They keep you guessing, they keep you thinking, they keep you fresh. And I thank god for the catfish because we would be droll, boring and dull if we didn't have somebody nipping at our fin.”
… which is an interesting way to frame the impact of someone who chronically lies to and manipulates others, but we digress!
Why Do People Catfish?
The reasons are never good. Some catfish are lonely, have poor self-esteem and want a relationship with someone they don’t believe would be interested in them — either as a friend or as something more — in real life. Some catfish are out to troll or harass their victims, or to get revenge on someone; importantly, just because shows like Catfish at times portray dynamics between strangers does not mean a catfish can’t be someone you actually know. Sometimes, catfishing is really just another form of cyberbullying. Other times, catfish want to scam money from their victims, or the catfishing is the first step in a plan to kidnap or physically abuse them.
Whatever the case, it can be super unsettling to suspect that you’re getting catfished. If you think there’s a chance you're talking to a catfish online, you’ll want to cut ties with them as quickly as possible, even if you believe they’re acting mostly out of loneliness. Dishonesty and deception is never a justifiable start to any kind of relationship.
Below, we’ve gathered the signs that indicate you’re being catfished, complete with insight from former catfishing victims.
Is Catfishing Illegal?
This is a tricky question to answer, but it’s an important one in case you believe you are being catfished — or if you think your photos are being used to catfish someone else. Catfishing generally isn’t illegal, though certain elements of it may be, according to FindLaw.com. Simply representing yourself differently online isn’t necessarily against the law, but things like fraud, extortion, and cyberbullying may be. And, as always, be very careful if you’re exchanging intimate or nude photos with someone online — if one or both parties is underage, this could be considered child pornography. Laws around catfishing may vary by state, so your best bet is to consult a lawyer.
Proving a catfishing case can be long and painstaking for those involved, as it will include monitoring your devices and opening up your personal life with police officers and other investigators. If you believe you’re being catfished, keep a record of everything you receive from the person, especially if they ask for money or send photos. It’s best to alert an adult you trust if you believe you’re in a catfishing scenario.
Keep in mind that posting slightly younger photos of yourself on a dating profile — or finding that your date has done this — isn’t the kind of catfishing that can be punishable by law.
Signs You’re Being Catfished
I myself have had a catfishing experience: When I was a teenager, I role-played on the blogging site Xanga. Through the online community, I purportedly met a 20-year-old man named Corey from Long Island. These were the days before smartphones, so he gave me his number to text all day.
On his birthday, I tried to call him to surprise him with a birthday message, but he never answered. The voicemail message was generic, which prompted me to start questioning if he was a real person. Eventually, I found out an older woman from Michigan had been faking an identity and interacting with several teenage girls in this online community.
When she was in seventh grade, Alaina Leary created fake MySpace and AIM accounts to flirt with a guy who was particularly mean and toyed with the emotions of her best friend. She used her real first name, but not real photos of herself. Although the facade lasted only two weeks, it taught her how to spot a catfisher in the act, especially since she had made several friends online who she knows in real life.
“The MySpace account didn’t have many friends, so that’s one sign to look out for if you’re being catfished on social media,” she explained. “The account was new and I didn’t bother to find ways to get a bunch of ‘real’ friends on there.”
Leary suggests that someone on multiple platforms beyond a dating app, such as Instagram and Twitter, is easier to verify because you can see how legitimate — or illegitimate — a following they have.
“The more consistent someone is across platforms, the more likely it is that they are who they say they are,” she added.
Katelyn Burns was catfished on OKCupid by an attractive man who shared her same interests. Typically, she’s very distrustful in these situations, but “this time, dove right in.” The first red flag involved the details of his job.
“His location was listed as Arizona but he just happened to be moving to my specific town in a month to open a new office at his job,” Burns explained. “I began suspecting he was catfishing me when he wouldn’t answer specific questions about his job transfer. I live in a fairly small, niche beach town and it’s unlikely a national corporation would choose my town for a new office.”
If you’re unsure whether a person is who they say they are, conduct a Google reverse-image search based on the photos they’re using. If you find out the photos are linked to someone else’s profile, you’ve likely exposed this person’s lie.
Everything felt too good to be true, Burns stressed. “The confirmation came when I did a reverse Google image search on his pictures and found a different guy’s Facebook account,” she said. “His only public post on the account was ‘My account was hacked again.’"
Especially for catfish with low self-esteem, the opportunity to try on new, more exciting personalities online and feel admired for feigned accomplishments may be what’s driving them. If you’re talking to someone whose past week had more activity and excitement crammed into it than the average person sees in a year, it’s worth asking them questions that force specificity — so you can see if any holes in their stories appear. That can be true, too, if the “excitement” at hand veers more on the side of tragedy, losses, and other events they can use to get sympathy from you.
After getting catfished six years ago, film and television producer Bernard Parham worked on the MTV reality show Catfish during seasons two to five. Beyond his personal experience, he learned the many tactics that catfishers use. An easy giveaway? Professional photos.
“Any profile with professional-grade photos, like headshots or comp cards, should raise your suspicion,” explained Parham. “Regular folks tend to use candids taken by their friends and family on their profiles.”
Leary adds that most people on social media upload multiple photos of themselves and their day-to-day activities. Be wary of those who have very few photos of themselves.
“It’s a lot less likely that someone’s catfishing you if, in addition to selfies, they also upload their succulent garden, pics of their cat napping, or the beach they just visited,” she explained.
A reality of those who catfish online: They only have access to so many photos of the person they’re claiming to be. Because of that, photos need to be used sparingly — especially so that they’ll still have some material to share with you directly that you won’t have seen posted to their accounts. So, if the person you’re talking to has only ever posted one profile photo, or if they haven’t changed profile photos in years, that could be a red flag.
Because catfish, again, have access to a limited number of photos of “themselves,” they’ll have to be strategic about what photos they send you and when. If you’ve never received a truly in-the-moment selfie from this person, or a photo of them at, say, a recent event you’ve spent time talking about, the reason could be that they can’t send you these photos. If instead they send you only post-quality pics, it’s possible that’s because their photos have all previously been posted by someone else.
In eighth grade, Mike Funk began interacting with a boy named Brendan, who apparently lived and skateboarded in the same neighborhood, but Funk never seemed to see him around. The reason: He was catfished by someone he knew in real life.
“We had a snow day, and I tried to get Brendan to hang out with me, but he refused my invitation, despite being off school and supposedly living where I knew a giant snowball fight was taking place,” he said.
Parham also suggests pushing for a video call if you’re unable to arrange an in-person meeting, especially if the other person lives far away. If they won’t even video chat, that’s another red flag, and they’re probably not the person they’ve been representing themselves as on dating sites or a Facebook profile.
“Catfish will happily waste copious amounts of your time with excuses and fabrications,” Parham added. “It's better to nip it in the bud than be taken for a ride.”
While some catfish will refuse the bait to meet you point blank, others will enthusiastically make plans with you — only to cancel time and again. A cornerstone of catfishing is the art of making excuses, and they’ve likely got a long list at the ready for why, so sorry, they actually can’t meet you tonight, or why they’re no longer free for that phone call.
And just to note on the plan-making front: Although you may be eager to finally see this person IRL, always arrange to meet in a public space, especially for your first time meeting an online connection.
If someone asks for your social security number, we can hopefully all spot that as a red flag. What we really mean by personal information here, though, is someone asking you probing questions that seek to get your guard down and encourage vulnerability. Having someone who clearly wants to hear your unfiltered thoughts and opinions on everything from TV shows to the impact of your parents’ divorce can feel super affirming, especially if you’re lacking that kind of outlet offline. But if your outlet is a catfisher, they could be trying to manipulate you and to create a false sense of intimacy. That might be the case if they’re only ever asking you questions about yourself without ever offering up personal info of their own.
Another clear-cut sign you’re being catfished? Your contact will ask you for money. If they ask for a loan — or a flat-out gift — that is a warning sign. Never send money to someone you’ve never met, no matter how small the amount.
If the person you’ve just met online is telling you they love you or engaging in other over-the-top behavior, this can also be a sign you’re being catfished. Attention like this can feel good, and that’s why predators make such huge declarations: to lure people into their webs. It’s a version of love bombing, and it’s not rooted in anything genuine.
Don’t be afraid to trust your intuition. If something about your new online pal seems off, pay attention to that feeling. It’s always better to be safe than sorry. If it doesn’t seem like a person is using their true identity, they probably aren’t.
How to Avoid Being Catfished
Now that you’ve got the signs of a catfish to look out for, it’s important to put together a general awareness plan. You don’t want to get so far into the relationship before realizing who you think you’re talking to may not be real. There are a few things you can do to protect yourself from catfishing — especially since you don’t want your own photos floating around at the hands of said catfisher stringing someone else along.
Oftentimes, catfishers will target more than one person at a time. Once you send them photos of yourself, you can’t be sure how they’re using them or if they’re using them to manipulate other people into their game. A good general rule of thumb is to never send photos until you’ve had a video call with the person or have met them in real life in a safe, neutral environment with other people around. Better safe than sorry!
Relationships are fun to share, so confide in a friend or a trusted adult once you start talking to someone you like. It’s always helpful to have someone to bounce feelings and messages off of when you need a gut check.
As mentioned above, catfishers will often lovebomb, showering their target in affection in an effort to build a deeper connection as quickly as possible. Don’t be afraid to pump the breaks. If it’s who you think it is behind the messages, they’ll likely respect the request. Catfishers will find any way they can to manipulate people into a fast relationship.
I know, this isn’t fun. But we live in a world where the Internet is an easy mask to hide behind. A good dose of suspicion will go a long way in protecting yourself.
