Must One Honor Abusive Parents?
By Yehuda Shurpin
When discussing this
sensitive and often painful topic, we need to bear in mind that every situation
is different. There are many kinds and levels of abuse, and different people
can cope with and tolerate different situations and relationships. Nevertheless,
we will try to give some perspective and general halachic guidelines.
General
Note to Parents
The Torah’s directive for children to honor
parents does not provide the parent with a license to do as he or she pleases.
It goes without saying that abusing children (including your own), be it
mentally, physically, verbally or emotionally, is prohibited. Furthermore, a
parent must endeavor not to put their children in a situation that would cause
them to show their parents disrespect. To quote Maimonides:
Even
though [children] are commanded [to be exceedingly devoted and dutiful to their
parents], parents should not place too burdensome a yoke upon them or be too
exacting with them in matters pertaining to their honor for fear that they may
cause them to sin [by dishonoring them]. They should forgive their children and
close their eyes, for parents have the discretion to forgo the honor due to
them. Parents who strike their grown child are excommunicated because they
violate the biblical prohibition, “You shall not place a stumbling block before
the blind.”1,2
Our focus here,
however, is on the obligations of the children.
Undeserving
Parents
One of the
main reasons for this mitzvah is to
appreciate the fact that our parents are the source of our very existence in
this world. So although honoring one’s father and mother is essentially an
obligation between people, it is also a mitzvah between man and G‑d, since
“there are three partners in [the creation of] a person: G‑d, the father and
the mother.3”
By doing this mitzvah a person will come to the realizationthat if he needs to respect his father and mother, who created his
physical body, how much more so should he honor his Father in Heaven, who
granted him with the superior component, his eternal soul!4
Thus, this
mitzvah is not necessarily dependent on how well the parents treated the child,
and at times would apply even if the child was abandoned.5
Going to
Extremes
The Torah recognizes
that fulfilling the mitzvah of honoring one's parents, which is one of the Ten
Commandments, is one of the more difficult mitzvahs. Commentators
explain that it is for this very reason that it is one of only two mitzvahs6
for which the Torah assures us long life as a reward.7
There are a
number of anecdotes in the Talmud to illustrate how far one needs to go in
honoring and respecting one’s parents:
The
sages asked Rabbi Eliezer: To what extent must one exert himself to fulfill the
mitzvah of honoring one’s father and mother? Rabbi Eliezer said to them: Go and
see what a certain gentile did for his father in Ashkelon, and his name is Dama
ben Netina. Once, the sages sought to purchase precious stones from him for the
ephod [breastplate] of the High
Priest for 600,000 gold dinars profit, but the keys to the chest holding the
jewels were placed under his father’s head, and he would not disturb him. The
next year the Holy One, Blessed be He, gave Dama ben Netina his reward, as a
red heifer was born in his herd, and the Jews needed it. When the sages of
Israel came to him, he said to them: “I know, concerning you, that if I were to
ask for all the money in the world you would give it to me. But I ask only that
money that I lost due to the honor of Father . . .”
Once
Dama ben Netina was wearing a fine cloak [sirkon]
of gold, and was sitting among the nobles of Rome. And his mother came to him
and tore his garment from him and smacked him on the head and spat in his face,
and yet he did not embarrass her.
The Talmud
also relates this story of the great sage Rabbi Tarfon:
Rabbi
Tarfon had a certain manner of treating his mother, that whenever she wished to
ascend into her bed he would bend over and help her to ascend, and whenever she
wished to descend from the bed, she would descend onto him. He came and praised
himself in the study hall for performing the mitzvah of honoring one’s father
and mother so thoroughly. They said to him: “You still have not reached even
half of the honor due to her. Has it ever happened that she threw a purse into
the sea in front of you, and you did not embarrass her?”
. . [Rabbi
Tarfon’s] mother once walked in her garden and her sandal split so that she
would have to walk home barefoot. Thereupon Rabbi Tarfon kept stretching his
hands under her feet and she walked over them all the way. One day he was ill
and his colleagues came to visit him. His mother then said to them: "Pray
for my son Rabbi Tarfon, for he honors me more than is my due." "What
has he done to you?" they asked. She told them what happened. They
replied: "If he had done to you thousands times more, he would not have
done half of the honor enjoined in the Torah!"8
When It Is Painful to Be Together
On the other hand, we also find anecdotes that illustrate
how, due to the circumstances, one can at times avoid having to honor one’s parents.
Rav
Asi had an elderly mother. She said to him: “I want jewelry,” and he made
jewelry for her. She said to him: “I want a man whom I can marry,” and he said
to her: “I will seek one for you.” She said to him: “I want a husband who is as
handsome as you.” At this point, he realized that she was senile, and that he
would be unable to fulfill all her requests. Therefore, he left her and went to
the Land of Israel . . .9
From this incident, Maimonides10
derives that if it becomes too difficult to care for one's parents due to their
mental state, a child may leave them (after first arranging for someone else to
care for them in a fitting manner).
Similarly, Rabbi Yehudah Hachassid (1150–1217) writes that if there is a quarrel between parent and child that is
causing a great deal of pain to either one of them, it is better that they
separate, since they cannot stand being together.11
So where on the spectrum does your relationship with your
parents fall? Is your situation like Rabbi Tarfon’s, or is it closer to Rav
Asi’s?
The Limits
It’s important to know some of the
parameters of the obligation to honor one's parents, which may help prevent a
tense situation from spiralling out of control.
In general, the mitzvah of honoring one's
parents includes (but is not limited to) feeding, dressing, and helping them
walk.12 And the
companion mitzvah of revering one's parents includes not sitting or standing in
their designated place and not contradicting their words in a disrespectful
manner.13
It goes without saying that in a situation where there is
even a possibility of real danger due to abuse, we follow the rule that chayecha kodmin, your first obligation
is to your own life.14
Additionally, one isn’t obligated to honor his parents if doing so would result
in one’s suffering physical or emotional damage.15
But what about other situations?
Here are just a few pertinent guidelines to help give
perspective:
May parents order
their child around? According to most opinions,16 the mitzvah
to honor one's parents is limited to things that directly service or benefit
the parents themselves.17 So if Mom
wants pizza, you should make some or buy it for her, but if she orders you to
make dinner for her mahjong friends, you can demur.
Must one obey a
parent who orders the child to transgress Torah? The
mitzvahs of the Torah come from G‑d, whom our parents are obligated to obey
just as we are. Thus, if one's parents ask him to do something that violates a
commandment (even if it is only rabbinically forbidden), the obligation to
honor the parent is superseded and the child should not comply.18
Must
honor extend to losing money? In general, as long as
the parents can afford it, the cost of honoring one’s parents, which includes
feeding, clothing and caring for them, are covered by and can be taken from the
parents’ resources. However, if the parents can’t afford to cover their living
expenses but their child can afford it, the child is obligated to support his
parents.19 Similarly,
when necessary, the child is obligated to lose work time to actively care for
his parents, even if the parents can afford to pay for a caregiver.20
When parents pit
their children against the other parent.
If there is strife between the parents,
and the father (for example) tells the child not to listen to the mother
in order to belittle her or cause her pain, the son should not listen to the
father since the father does not have a right to pain the mother (or anyone
else for that matter) and doing so is a
violation of the Torah.21
Perpetuating
strife. If a parent tells the child not to talk
to or forgive someone, but the child wishes to make peace, he shouldn’t listen
to the parent, since hating your fellowman is a violation of a commandment.22
What if a
controlling parent objects to a child’s choice of life-partner? As long as the potential spouse is upstanding and befitting the child
(with no other halachic issues), the child need not listen to the parents if
they protest the match.23
These are just some
of the general guidelines for this mitzvah. As we mentioned above, this is a
very sensitive topic and every situation is different, both in terms of the
form of abuse as well as what stage the child is at and what he can tolerate.
One would need to discuss his specific situation with a competent rabbi and, if
necessary, a mental health professional.
At the same time, it
should be kept in mind that honoring one's parents is one of the greatest
mitzvahs. Our sages tell us that one who performs this (at times) difficult
mitzvah properly merits long life, is rewarded both in this world and the next,
and hastens the coming of the Moshiach and the ultimate Redemption.24
Footnotes
1.
Leviticus 19:14.
2.
Mishneh
Torah, Hilchot Mamrim 6:8-9.
3.
Talmud, Kiddushin 30a.
4.
See Sefer
Hachinuch, mitzvah 33; Kli Yakar,
Exodus 20:22.
5.
See Meshech
Chochmah, Deuteronomy 5:16.
6.
The other is shiluach haken, the mitzvah to send away the mother bird before
taking her eggs or young; see Shiluach Haken - Understanding the Enigmatic Mitzvah to
Send Away the Mother Bird.
7.
Rabbi Saadia Gaon on Exodus 20:22. He
explains that the reason for this is that often
the parents can become a burden to the children, causing it to be difficult to
honor them. Therefore, the Torah promises long life for keeping this mitzvah.
One who views his parents’ longevity as an imposition on his life should
realize that it is his own lifespan that he is pained about and finding
burdensome.
8.
See
here for a fascinating
commentary on this conversation.
9.
Talmud, Kiddushin 31b; it is from here that
Maimonides (cited in fn. 2) infers that at times the child may need to absent
themselves and leave the parent in someone else’s care.
10.
Mishneh
Torah, Hilchot Mamrim 6:10.
11.
Sefer
Chassidim 343.
12.
Shulchan
Aruch Yoreh De’ah 240:4.
13.
Ibid., 240:2.
14.
Talmud, Bava Metzia 62a.
15.
See Maharik,
shoresh 166.
16.
See, however, Sefer HaMakneh, Kiddushin 31b.
17.
See Biur HaGra on Yoreh De’ah
240:36.
18.
Shulchan
Aruch, Yoreh De’ah 240:15.
19.
Ibid., 240:5.
20.
Ibid. If
this will result in the child not having enough to eat that day, he is not
obligated to lose work time for honoring his parents.
21.
Moshav
Zekenim Baalei Tosafot, Vayikra 19; Mateh
Efraim Kaddish, Elef L’mateh 4; see also Poskim Vetshuvot, Yoreh De’ah 240:41.
22.
Shulchan Aruch,Yoreh Deah 240:16.
23.
Rama,
Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh De’ah 240:25; Maharik,
shoresh 166.
24.
See Yaarot
Devash 2:2; Radak, Judges 6:11; Poskim Vetshu
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