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Maybe this is common knowledge and I’ve just been doing this too long to think normally, but the people I represent or mediate for rarely recognize that they have the inability to think logically or rationally when they are emotional. I’ve always heard that some people are emotional thinkers and some are logical thinkers. Men, especially, believe that they are more logical by nature than women. This is absolutely not true, based on my experience.

Generally speaking, people do not visit lawyers when things are going well for them. Usually, they need a lawyer but they certainly don’t want to need one. So, keep that in mind as you read this response. My job is never warm and fuzzy. You also have to remember that every area of law is different. In family law, every case I have is controlled by the parties’ emotions. ALL of them. Not just women. As their attorney and as a mediator, I see just how ugly human nature can truly be. People that are normally rational and decent human beings are anything but that when they are fighting for everything in their life that matters- kids, financial security, and sometimes their freedom. And their opponent has a painfully familiar face- that person was once their best friend, their partner, someone they trusted enough with their vulnerability. With very few exceptions, the parties are simply unable to see anything but their own pain. They want revenge, and they want their opponent to hurt worse than they do. I know they love their children. They would die for them. But throw those parents in the ring and what they insist “is best for the kids”, usually is not. They are too wrapped up in their own pain to truly put that child first. And try convincing them that the other parent wants the best for the kids. Ain’t gonna happen.

From an objective point of view (from the perspective of the judge, the lawyers, the mediator … the law), the best result is usually pretty clear. I can’t tell you how many times opposing counsel and I agree about what the outcome should be. We see the solution pretty quickly. But our clients do not. Consequently, they spend a ridiculous amount of money fighting, rather than solving the problem to the best of their abilities. I honestly spend WAY more time arguing with my client than I do opposing. I’m constantly trying to get them to see reason. So, people think attorneys are heartless and cold. But that’s simply us applying logic, while our clients are reacting emotionally. Someone has to be rational, reasonable, and solution-oriented. My client can’t be, so I have to. The result is usually that I get blamed for being the asshole. But because I DO care, I’ll take the hit if that means their life and family (especially their kids) don’t have to.

By my estimation, 95% of human beings are emotional thinkers by nature. Their immediate response to stimuli is based in emotion. Not logic. It is literally impossible to apply logic when you’re emotional. And, what is the single most controlling of your five senses? A fetus kicks and reacts when mom is upset or excited, right? The baby cannot see, hear, taste or smell anything. Yet, they can feel something when their mother is emotional. Humans experience emotion before any sense. So, of course we are going to rely on that strong sense way more than any other. It’s normal.

Applying logic is not in our nature when faced with a traumatic event. It’s okay. That makes us human. So, please, please listen to the person or people that are not driven by pain or concern for your feelings. We care about you, but we cannot be emotionally vested in the outcome. If your attorney fights like they would for their own family (I get asked to fight as if this were my son/ life in just about every case), they cannot advocate for you successfully in a court of law. We spent three years in law school learning one thing- to think with logic. It screws us up. Thus, we are the sickest (addiction, depression, anxiety, suicide, divorce) professionals on the planet. So, please do not take anything I’ve said here as criticism. You don’t want to see the world as I do.

Thanks for the request! Man, you made me think on this one. Happy holidays!

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