Waring-Blender Parents
Will absolutely liquefy obstacles to their children’s future success, but they are not above dicing someone who just annoys them.
Pasta-Maker Parents
They roll teachers, babysitters, and other people’s kids flat and then slice them up into different shapes, depending on their whims and what works best with a sauce made from pushy relatives, nannies, and admissions officers.
Leaf-Blower Parents
Very loud and aggressive. They don’t actually deal with stuff so much as dramatically blow it around so that someone else will clean it up.
Drone Parents
Stealthier than Helicopter Parents, they use location services on phones, Ring doorbells, and old baby monitors to track their children. Although seemingly quiet and unobtrusive, they will appear out of the blue and annihilate anyone whom they perceive to be blocking their children’s momentum toward the Ivy League.
Swiffer Parents
Seemingly efficient at cleaning up their children’s messes, but actually not so great with the really big ones.
Trash-Compactor Parents
Make every member of the family do things together whether they want to or not.
Air-Fryer Parents
Either completely shut down or blasting intense heat, causing a protective crust to form around their children. Are considered healthier, since they don’t use conventional methods, but end up being just as bad for you as everyone else.
Riding-Mower Parents
Lawnmower Parents too lazy to stand while they clear a path for their children.
iPhone 6 Parents
Old, sluggish, and often slow on the uptake, although sometimes more reliable than more up-to-date parents, despite being quirky and often cracked.
Toilet-Paper Parents
Often gentle, but somehow never around when you really need them.
Coronavirus Parents
They never go away, lingering in some form long after their children have matured and moved out, making unannounced visits and upending plans.
Pinworm Parents
Invisible and usually harmless, though can be a source of malaise if allowed to gather outside their normal habitat.
Pug Parents
Always watching with their big, bulgy eyes, but have trouble breathing and get exhausted easily.
Tesla Parents
Quiet, attractive, and ostensibly better for the world, but loathed by other parents for their sanctimonious bullshit.
Peloton Parents
Want the world to believe that they’re in great shape and up for any challenge, but, when it comes right down to it, they’re just watching TV.
Particle-Accelerator Parents
Known for propelling their child forward at high speeds until he or she cracks up at fifteen, during freshman year at Harvard. ♦
