Zombie that slips you a note that reads, “Call Police”
Machete-wielding maniac it will come to pass was not an employee
Spooky laboratory with scientist not even looking up as he cuts cocaine with strychnine
Unmistakable sound of a button fly being undone
Mirror that shows guests how happy they would’ve been if they had only stuck with their art
Proud Boys initiation chamber
Yet more damn nuclear codes stored haphazardly in a cardboard U-Haul box
Inflatable Mar-A-Lago on the front lawn
Broken window with AREN’T YOU TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT? spelled out in blood
Ghost in flared jeans
Escape Room in which one has to solve the riddle of “Why we’re here. On Earth.”
Your psychiatrist moonlighting as a demon from hell. To be honest, his real dream has always been to act.
Blown-up photos of the results of the black light test at your most recent hotel stay
Stern representative from the US Department of Agriculture ranting on about spotted lantern flies
Lindsey Graham, struttin’ around all macho and stuff
Hourly reenactments of the behind-the-scenes dysfunction associated with Olivia Wilde’s Don’t Worry Darling
As you enter, you’re assaulted by the theme from Seinfeld playing at ear-splitting volume
Door that won’t unlock until you finish a day-old blowfish sushi platter
Pete Davidson exchanging numbers with a witch
Meticulous reenactments of workplace accidents
One of the ghosts brought her kid
Sign outside house that reads, PRESENTED BY HELLMANN’S MAYONNAISE.
One of the demons is sitting on a toilet with the door open
Frankenstein rummaging through your handbag
The torture room from Hostel but Eli Roth is there and wants you to watch the film with him
Two California Raisins performing the “Roger the dog man” scene from The Shining
The monsters pay no attention to you because they’re all glued to an episode of Blue Bloods
At least three of the actors hired to scare you are dressed up as Austin Powers
Horrifying sound effects repeatedly interrupted by Spotify ads for the Joe Rogan Experience
A normal-looking living room, but the air is choked with Wolfman dander
Never-ending loop of all the TikToks ever shot at the Body Worlds exhibit
Step right up and thrust your hand into this purse full of faintly damp COVID masks!
Guy in a Scream mask directing your attention to a very real ant infestation
The Antichrist Impregnation Ritual Selfie Experience
Scary clown who accuses you in helium voice of wanting to steal the Amazon package on the porch
Anguished shrieks of Airbnb guests who weren’t told this was happening
You’re invited to donate plasma for the “bleeding walls” feature
Haunted doll, still “mint in box.” A wraith scolds you for touching it.
An animatronic Rudy Giuliani being frottaged by the real Rudy Giuliani
A werewolf polishing off a hundred-piece Buffalo wing platter, his fur slick with an orange sheen
Slender Man filming a music video to “Running Up That Hill”
Count Dracula with a wet cough and wearing a MAGA hat
Zombie daycare
What at first glance looks like Nick Nolte’s mugshot but turns out to be a mirror
Room with a fire alarm that needs its battery replaced
A pumpkin-spice fog machine working overtime
Tupac’s hologram, recently purchased on eBay for forty dollars
Slimer from Ghostbusters passing the steaming remnants of two dozen half-digested hot dogs
Vampire with your exact haircut, shoes