75: Navigating Trauma Recovery and Emotional Management in Parenting (Coaching Session Part 1)

Speaker 1: 0:14

Today's episode is part one of two, where I am sharing with you a coaching session with the brave Clarissa from South Africa. She volunteered to have her coaching session shared on the podcast. I just wanted to give behind the scenes of what does it look like to work with me as a coach, and also like the nuggets in there for her are going to work for a lot of you as well, so I wanted to share those. So today is part one and next Friday will be part two.

Speaker 1: 0:49

Heavenly Father, i thank you so much for this opportunity to connect with Clarissa and to connect with you across the world. It's just such an honor to be able to use this technology and to be able to connect with your spirit, as with people that love you and are seeking you, and we invite you into this time. We ask you to guide the conversation, to bring whatever revelation or wisdom or peace is needed. Thank you so much for your grace that you love us, that you're interested in the big things and the little things that are going on in our lives. Thank you that you're a good father And Jesus name, amen, amen. What would you like to talk about today?

Speaker 2: 1:51

The issue that I'm having at the moment is regulating my own emotions, especially when I'm feeling overwhelmed and anxious about stuff, because in my trauma healing or in the process that I'm currently in, i have noticed that my main emotion that I'm running on is fear. So being in that survival mode and constantly anxious is making it like I get overwhelmed quickly. I can't do a lot of people, i can't do a lot of noise anymore, and usually that wasn't an issue, but now with my boys, i tend to get irritated with them much more quickly. But I need to find a way to manage that and bring my levels down a bit without having to come and take an hour break from them in order to regulate myself again and move on with what we were doing.

Speaker 2: 3:01

My youngest, he's nine. He couldn't sit still today as we were, because together we're learning about emotions And he couldn't sit still today And he was up and he was down and he was doing this and he was, and I was getting frustrated and irritated with him And I can't leave and say, okay, you know what. We're not doing this lesson now for an hour and a half, until mommy's brain comes down, because kids don't work that way. So I need to find a way in order for myself to how to calm myself in a moment, because whatever I've tried have not worked.

Speaker 1: 3:42

And what have you tried?

Speaker 2: 3:45

Well, I've tried the tapping thing The way you. That doesn't work, that sometimes that frustrates me more because I'm tapping and tapping and tapping and it's not working. I've tried breathing. I don't know, maybe I'm not doing the breathing right because that's not working. The only thing that really works is if I try and just like I've got my own little space.

Speaker 2: 4:16

As you can see, i say, if I distance myself completely from that situation and come and calm down, then that works.

Speaker 2: 4:25

But that's not always possible, because you can't and I don't always want to remove myself from situations in order for myself to calm down Or come to a safe space, because that's not always possible.

Speaker 2: 4:40

So I have no idea what else to try, because if I put my headphones on, the boys bother me. If I try to listen to an audiobook or if I want to read, the boys constantly interrupt me and that also overwhelms me and triggers me into getting more anxious and frustrated, and then that's a whole other bomb that wants to go off. So I need a way to center myself in those moments without making my boys also feel as if they're too much, because they're boys and they will be up, they will be down, they will be going all over the place And I don't want them to like mom is getting frustrated and mom is getting overwhelmed, and make them feel as if it's their fault. So I need to learn coping mechanisms, or try coping mechanisms that will initially, i might even pass on to them. Where I can, can teach that to them as well and say OK, when you're feeling like this, this is what you can do.

Speaker 1: 5:53

It sounds like there's actually two different sources of frustration, if I'm hearing you right. So, like there's the, there's the anxiety. That's kind of the trauma response of just like there's just too much noise and just too much activity. But then you're also saying like if you put your headphones on, they will interrupt you. If you're reading they will interrupt you. That's a normal thing to get irritated with because they're not respecting your boundary, they're not respecting what you need right there. So that's a training issue Where, like, your response of like this is all just too much is more of a trauma response. So they need. Does that sound accurate That there's those two different?

Speaker 2: 6:42

So they need different solutions. Okay.

Speaker 1: 6:47

Like in the moment, Like you still have to calm down so you can figure out, like which you're dealing with.

Speaker 1: 6:53

But The coming in interrupting when you're reading Is a training thing of like setting expectations, and here's what's going to happen and It's okay for mom to have quiet time and it's okay for you to stay and play by yourself Or have your own quiet time or you know whatever you set up for them For reasonable times And it's like it's normal and healthy that you get frustrated when you're not being honored because that shows an issue in the relationship. Can you tell me more about? you say you're doing trauma recovery, like what does that Look like? are you doing that on your own or with someone or?

Speaker 2: 7:39

So I'm doing that with Jennifer love more. That was on the. I am on conference. She's coaching me through my trauma healing and everything that I've dealt with, which is actually like it, loads, like loads. And I never, never knew that all that stuff would start affecting me, this This much later in life. I always, like, brushed it off, saying you know what it's in the past, you know what happened, happened and This is just, you can just move forward. But yes, it comes to buy two later if you haven't dealt with it. And so currently we are At a stage where I'm trying to name All my trauma, which is difficult, because when you name it, it happened So. So that's, that's a thing.

Speaker 2: 8:51

And In my trauma, i'm also in a space where there's so so much trauma that I have Put away for so long that my brain is is it's hard to identify What happened and whether it really happened or if I'm making it up. So, and the thing is, i'm praying about that and I'm asking God you know, show me what, what really is going on, what, what happened. And and He's told me that everything that I think is fictional is actually stuff that has happened. But I'm struggling to process those things. And so there's this constant battle inside of me About like, don't deal with it, just leave it, but deal with it. And So it's this constantly constant inside battle of Hello, trying to do what I have to do in order to get better, or need to do in order to get better. But then life happens and then you have to deal with everything else that's on your plate And then and a lot of what I'm dealing with today has to do with living in that in that fear state, in that survival mode all the time.

Speaker 2: 10:30

It's it's I can't stick to routines, i can't, i can't plan everything that I do I do on a whim, because it's it's. My body is in that that state all of the time. So he's trying to Jennifer's trying to help me find a way to plan my days. He's trying to help me train my brain to be like small things.

Speaker 2: 11:02

A week, like this week, i'm supposed to crochet for 15 minutes and listen to a podcast or something for that. 15 minutes with music, just that. But even that's challenging because when I go and sit down my mind starts running And it's like okay, but, but I need to. I'm sitting and I'm crocheting, but like the laundry needs to get done, and the dishes and this, and I need to make dinner, and I do need to do prep. So, mom, and that is how I wake up in the morning, with my head going like 100 miles an hour, and so I'm constantly tired, but I can't sleep all day, unfortunately. I wish someone would come to me and say, like you know, it's time for a nap, but unfortunately, you have to be that person for yourself, and that's challenging.

Speaker 2: 12:08

Yes, yes, yes. And if your mind doesn't want to go quiet and you can't regulate that, then it becomes more difficult And that's it's making. It's affecting my whole life at home. It's affecting me trying to get the boys into routine And it and some of my trauma they've inherited. So it's it's me trying to to heal two traumas like my bucket lids and then what's spilled over to their cups And it can be really overwhelming And the mom guilt that goes along with that is ridiculous. I think you would know what I'm talking about. So these like my mind is running And and then I just I needed to. I need a way for it to stop so I can do one thing, focus on one thing, calm down in that moment, be present in that moment, but it's nothing's allowing me to. So mostly I'm trying to avoid it. But avoiding the stuff is not working.

Speaker 1: 13:30

This makes it knock louder? Yes, it does. It does. I'm here, pay attention to me. Does it work for you to write things down, not like as in, things to do, but to like put a pen to paper and be like? this is how I'm feeling. These are all my thoughts.

Speaker 2: 13:58

I've started to give that the last 23 days, but my brain is so busy that it's when I'm writing it feels like I'm rambling.

Speaker 2: 14:17

There's a lot, so but what I try today was focus on what are my worries and just put those down And try to see, okay, if I just do that and focus on that aspect, if it's going to be better. The one thing that I've been doing as well is during my quiet time I would be because I can't I can't really pray without getting distracted. So I've been working on a two-way conversation with God and putting down what he says, and I feel that that's been working. So I would tell him about something that happened during the day and then I would have the Bible open and read a verse and then I'm like, but what's going on in this verse? and he would answer me and then that I would write down and I would make stuff more personal, like Bible verses and stuff, and I feel as if that's working, because it's more internalizing it than just reading it and it being someone else's thing. So that's working. But journaling I have no idea how to do it.

Speaker 1: 15:50

Well, to start with, there's no right or wrong. Like there's, you know. Take away the expectation that you need to do it right, like saying like I feel like I'm rambling. Well, if you're putting down all the thoughts that are racing and spinning through your mind on paper, it probably is rambling because that's what's in your head, But that's okay, because if your goal is to slow down and decide what's important or what matters right now, or even like dealing with the emotions, like you're in the middle of the lesson with your boys and you're getting overwhelmed with their activity and inattentiveness, or whatever, And you can grab your notebook and write down like I'm feeling super irritated right now, you know just whatever is coming, because the writing forces your brain to slow down.

Speaker 1: 16:51

I've noticed that, And and yeah, because you need to focus on the writing and God made our brains, made us for relationship, and so getting it out of our head, whether that's through writing and whenever I write I'm pretty much writing to him, so that it is like that relational but whether it's talking to somebody And so like talk to him out loud, talk, you know, call a friend But getting it out of your head helps to stop the spinning and helps to bring clarity of how much is actually in there and how much of it actually matters and how much of it's really true. And like how you are feeling is always true. It's true, that's how you're feeling. But then when you get it out, like okay, so what do I do with this? It's this like no, the boys are actually being disrespectful and they need a consequence. We need to address that.

Speaker 1: 18:03

Or am I just feeling all anxious and stirred up because of all these past messages that I'm still processing through? And then, like drawing or doodling or painting, something that slows your brain down and it switches to a different part of your brain, like handwriting does it switches from that, like just thinking and trying to analyze how you know what do I, what's the right thing to do and how am I going to get all done, and all of that It switches to a different part of your brain. So then you automatically see things differently.

Speaker 2: 18:40

As you was. You were saying about the consequences for the boys and as I am working through my own issues, like because I'm constantly afraid, like I do not trust myself to make the correct decisions, like I do not trust myself to discipline my boys, like I do discipline them, but I struggle to be consistent because, like, technically I was abandoned as a kid. I never lived in one place. My mom would pass me off to my dad and my dad would pass me off to my grandmother, and then I was in the hostel living there for a while and so everybody passed me around. And I do not.

Speaker 2: 19:34

I'm afraid, when I do not, I do not have it in me for the fight with my boys When it comes to discipline, if that makes any sense, Because And I know that that's also causing me frustration But but I'm not, I'm not in that headspace where I can say you know what, you know when they are like being I'm always afraid of overreacting, because I'm in that anxiety state constantly. So I'm mostly it's tough slide. Because I'm like because if, if, if I'm too harsh I will push them away, But if I'm too lenient it's not going to. So then I stop procrastinating about everything. So it's a vicious cycle. But how can I in and how can I find a metal ground To discipline them without having my anxiety and my My fear of not doing the correct thing? How can I bring that in in order for me to also have bring a sense of calm into that?

Speaker 1: 22:31

I have like 3 different thoughts, which, 1 to, is, to start with, discipline is training. So discipline is not Just the here's the consequence when you screwed up. Discipline is the entire Training process. So teaching what is expected and communicating about it, and then, yes, there are consequences If it doesn't happen. So it's not The You were bad and now I need to do something. It's not the reaction part That's not Really disciplined. That's more typically punishment, which we don't want. So a lot of discipline In that training is like the term pre deciding In a place when you're calm, when you're talking to the Lord, of like Okay, this is an issue that's irritating me the most right now.

Speaker 1: 23:37

What do they need to know? What do I need to teach them so that this is different? And then what would an appropriate consequence be? and deciding that In a time with the Lord or with a counselor or a friend or whatever. So you have that feedback that it's not overreacting And if it's different, they might act like you're overreacting and unreasonable, like they're going to challenge it. We don't like to change, we don't like to discipline ourselves or be disciplined, but you have that confidence of like no, i decided this in a calm state of mind with With the Lord or with a reliable person, and so I can deal with the pushback, because I know that this is for the good Long term, even if it's uncomfortable right now. What we're figuring it out? Hmm.

Speaker 2: 24:35

That makes a lot of sense because if I can calm down, it's basically a communication issue between me and them. And now, as you were saying, discipline is my punishment. When you say the word discipline in my head I'm going back to discipline in a child When I was younger. You're getting a hiding or you have to write out on the board so many times this thing It was punishment. It was punishment. Discipline equals punishment. And now that you're saying discipline equals training, it makes it doesn't feel as harsh to me, like I'm not going to be like the wicked witch of the West when it comes to. It's about explain, because my oldest is 12, or he's 11 and a half, turning 12. So for me to explain to him the discipline is training him will make more sense to him than me just punishing him all the time, And that might put me on the same team as them, And then they will understand why mommy gets irritated and frustrated.

Speaker 1: 26:04

Yeah, it's much more of a partnership. I am training you for your future. I'm training you to be an adult. I'm training you so that people like to be around you when you're older and so that you can, you know, hold a job and you can like I am on your side and like it's not always going to be fun and comfortable, but, yeah, i'm here as your, as your parents, partnering with you to be the kind of person that God made you to be and that I want you to be, and that, ideally, that they want to be, you know, because they want people to like to be around them and appreciate their gifts and their strengths, and you know. So the discipline is all of that Like I'm helping build your strengths and we need to work on those weaknesses. So, yeah, much more of that like partnership. So I'm coming alongside you instead of I'm standing over you, waiting for you to screw up and I'm going to punish you for that.

Speaker 2: 27:07

Yes, because I think that's how they're feeling, because I'm always like it's very hard for me to be in a happy state or in a state where I'm present in that moment, because I'm constantly preparing for what might go wrong. It's the trauma. Yeah, it sucks, and I think they are always waiting for the pen to drop, like if I'm going to do this, mom is going to flip about this. Not necessarily like it's, and that is also activating their trauma and their their fight or flight, because they like constantly living in that, in that fear mode of what's going to happen. But if, if I start with the training part of it, it's going to be a lot easier for me because I can also then train my own discipline into that and start by doing like discipline exercises on myself and then asking them maybe like help mommy, because mommy wants to be, i want to be less on my phone, and then that can help me like be accountable, be held accountable, and can help me with my discipline issues like training discipline and not the punishment, because I can be very, very hard on myself, extremely hard, i can be brutal, and then it takes me a while to pick myself up again from having a talk with myself.

Speaker 2: 29:18

I mean, the recovery time is about a week, but then it's, it's, but then I, then I'm, then I'm back into that flow of I can, i can dial down, but if I, if I, if I can get away to do, and that's why I'm I'm doing the emotions thing is because I'm trying to pick up on the cues before we get to that point, so that I can take a break, like it's like when I'm on a scale from one to ten. I'm at three or a four, i can say, ok, listen Five minutes or ten minutes and then move away. But currently it's from naught to ten in split of a second. So how do I train myself to to pick up on those cues a little better?

Speaker 1: 30:21

I want to thank Clarissa again for being brave enough to share this coaching session on the podcast and let you know that you can hear the rest of this session next week and also that if you are interested in doing a session for the podcast, that you can reach out to me in the link below.